A Brief Note On Forcing Me Out Of Town

Someday, my poor old mother will pass on. While she lived here, she created a reservation of natural Maryland forest ecology, as much as can be said to exist anywhere in second-growth Montgomery and Aspen Hill. We have worked hard over about 40 years to preserve and create a place of beauty that should promote harmony. It was originally my intention to carry forward this laudable task. Yet if I cannot enjoy this as a bequest, because jealous or hateful people don't like me living here, once my poor old mother's time on this earth is past, I have plans on disposition of the part of the estate that should come down to me.

I will aggressively move to establish full ownership of the property in Probate.

Once this is done, should anyone in the neighborhood convince me that my only path to survival and prosperity is to move out of the neighborhood, I shall do so, while taking the following steps:

• Cut down every last tree and shrub on the property.
  
• Pave the yard from property line to property line.
  
• Sell the house at a dead loss, at approximately half the valuation it should have. This will drastically affect the market valuation of all neighbors.
  
• I will do extensive research on both potential buyers and the desires of the neighbors, and sell the house at half price to the biggest asshole I can find who is also most likely to remain resident longest.
  
• Articulate my Last Will and Testament to require at least this level of scorched-earth policy in estate resolution. Should people decide that it's better to kill me than force me to move, they'll get worse results.